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Sunday, May 20, 2012

DOOMSDAY AND OTHER THINGS


Okay, stop selling all your worldly possessions; don't bother traveling across the country to say “good bye” to family and friends, the world isn't going to end (at least for another 8 billion years). Even though the Mayan Indians said 2012 was the year, before they said it wasn't, the latest discovery of their astronomical notes shows that their position on the apocalypse was “evolving”, or maybe they were just a bunch of “flip floppers”, anyway we can all rest easy and stop watching the skies at night and go back to the NBA playoffs, which seem to be measured in geologic time anyway.

Nonetheless, for die hard “end of worlders” who like to don white robes and sit on mountain tops there is still plenty of other evidence for “the end” to keep them up there a while. There's the Greek economy which is about to self destruct and which might even set off a chain reaction in the economies of Spain and Italy. That might even stimulate a celestial-like explosion of the entire seventeen nation common currency Eurozone and send seismic shock waves through the U.S. economy. Maybe not, but hey, any apocalypse will do for the dedicated ones.

Of course there is always the possibility that Mitt Romney might actually defeat Obama in November. This would be a valid representation of the “end of the world as they know it” for legions of liberal Democrats who might line up on the edges of the nation's cliffs and wait for the signal from the New York Times to start a lemming like exercise in political martyrdom.

If that doesn't happen there's always $5.00 per gallon gas or the continued drilling of those icky Canadian “tar sands”, (aka, oil). This, frenzied environmentalists who prefer early nineteenth century modes of transportation claim, will create a genuine doomsday scenario by pushing global warming past tanning bed levels and thus destroy agriculture, raise sea levels so there's tarpon fishing in downtown Dallas, and make the Democrat cliff jumpers seem to be on to something.

Even if none of that happens, what if the Supreme Court overturns the individual mandate in Obamacare, thus making the whole 2200 page enterprise even more financially impossible to carry out. And then what if the Court goes on to uphold the federal Defense of Marriage Act and Arizona's tough anti-illegal immigrant law? “Holy burrito grande Robin! Call Nancy Pelosi and tell her the  Batmobile doesn't meet environmental standards so we're flying to Rio to go to an “end of the world watch party” and she's on her own.”

Of course long term Al Goresque environmental predictions aside, political/legal doomsdays only apply to those on the losing sides of all the issues. Fortunately evolution has provided Homo sapiens with a strong instinct for self preservation which will help the distraught losers on the Left make the right choice between death by organic latte' overdose and Canadian citizenship applications. The fundamentalist religious Right are screwed since they don't believe in evolution. But maybe they could deal with their despair by listening to Jimmy Swaggart sermons on disc or joyfully preparing for the “real deal”.

Doomsday aside, in an election year it's hard to be optimistic about the future, as the two political parties in the Congress become part of the respective campaigns of their members and each party's presidential candidate, and their supporters in the media predict chaos and suffering if the others get elected. The pundits and web sites seem to be offering a choice between another Spanish Inquisition on the part of the religious Right and a 21st century Bolshevik revolution on the part of the Left.

But isn't there any cause for hope?

If a couple of college kids can make $16 billion selling the stock of a company that is essentially just the internet equivalent of 1950's high school note passing, isn't the American dream alive and well? Well sort of. And just wait until Zuckerberg and his partners start spending those billions. That will be an “economic stimulus” that Obama would be proud of and it won't come out of the taxpayer's pockets.

Worried about terrorists? Take heart: “The drone be with you.” Al Qaeda operatives in the Middle East can't even leave the house for a short ride in their Toyota pick-ups without one of these circling Obamabirds reading them their “rites”. And even as the terrorists come up with new types of airplane bombs, the latest being an explosive rectal implant, ( really! They've tried it.) Obama will once again be “leading from behind” and the TSA is ready to “serve and protect”. Of course if this technique becomes common place, the phrases “pat down” and “turn the other cheek” will take on whole new meanings but sales of rubber gloves will go way up, the price of tickets will go way down, and the flying public will remain safe. 

It gets even better. When Greece exits the Euro zone the drachma will be reintroduced and be essentially worthless on international exchange markets. That means even America's unemployed will be able to afford Greek Island cruises. And with Walmart and McDonald’s making big bucks things must be getting better. “Don't worry; be happy.” Every doomsday  has a silver lining. Doesn't it?

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