Okay, stop selling all your worldly
possessions; don't bother traveling across the country to say “good
bye” to family and friends, the world isn't going to end (at least
for another 8 billion years). Even though the Mayan Indians said
2012 was the year, before they said it wasn't, the latest discovery
of their astronomical notes shows that their position on the
apocalypse was “evolving”, or maybe they were just a bunch of
“flip floppers”, anyway we can all rest easy and stop watching
the skies at night and go back to the NBA playoffs, which seem to be
measured in geologic time anyway.
Nonetheless, for die hard “end of
worlders” who like to don white robes and sit on mountain tops
there is still plenty of other evidence for “the end” to keep
them up there a while. There's the Greek economy which is about to
self destruct and which might even set off a chain reaction in the
economies of Spain and Italy. That might even stimulate a
celestial-like explosion of the entire seventeen nation common
currency Eurozone and send seismic shock waves through the U.S.
economy. Maybe not, but hey, any apocalypse will do for the
dedicated ones.
Of course there is always the
possibility that Mitt Romney might actually defeat Obama in November.
This would be a valid representation of the “end of the world as
they know it” for legions of liberal Democrats who might line up on
the edges of the nation's cliffs and wait for the signal from the New
York Times to start a lemming like exercise in political martyrdom.
If that doesn't happen there's always
$5.00 per gallon gas or the continued drilling of those icky Canadian
“tar sands”, (aka, oil). This, frenzied environmentalists who
prefer early nineteenth century modes of transportation claim, will
create a genuine doomsday scenario by pushing global warming past
tanning bed levels and thus destroy agriculture, raise sea levels so
there's tarpon fishing in downtown Dallas, and make the Democrat
cliff jumpers seem to be on to something.
Even if none of that happens, what if
the Supreme Court overturns the individual mandate in Obamacare, thus
making the whole 2200 page enterprise even more financially
impossible to carry out. And then what if the Court goes on to
uphold the federal Defense of Marriage Act and Arizona's tough
anti-illegal immigrant law? “Holy burrito grande Robin! Call
Nancy Pelosi and tell her the Batmobile doesn't meet environmental
standards so we're flying to Rio to go to an “end of the world
watch party” and she's on her own.”
Of course long term Al Goresque
environmental predictions aside, political/legal doomsdays only apply
to those on the losing sides of all the issues. Fortunately evolution
has provided Homo sapiens with a strong instinct for self
preservation which will help the distraught losers on the Left make
the right choice between death by organic latte' overdose and
Canadian citizenship applications. The fundamentalist religious Right
are screwed since they don't believe in evolution. But maybe they
could deal with their despair by listening to Jimmy Swaggart sermons
on disc or joyfully preparing for the “real deal”.
Doomsday aside, in an election year
it's hard to be optimistic about the future, as the two political
parties in the Congress become part of the respective campaigns of
their members and each party's presidential candidate, and their
supporters in the media predict chaos and suffering if the others
get elected. The pundits and web sites seem to be offering a choice
between another Spanish Inquisition on the part of the religious
Right and a 21st century Bolshevik revolution on the part
of the Left.
But isn't there any cause for hope?
If a couple of college kids can make
$16 billion selling the stock of a company that is essentially just
the internet equivalent of 1950's high school note passing, isn't the
American dream alive and well? Well sort of. And just wait until
Zuckerberg and his partners start spending those billions. That will
be an “economic stimulus” that Obama would be proud of and it
won't come out of the taxpayer's pockets.
Worried about terrorists? Take heart:
“The drone be with you.” Al Qaeda operatives in the Middle East
can't even leave the house for a short ride in their Toyota pick-ups
without one of these circling Obamabirds reading them their “rites”.
And even as the terrorists come up with new types of airplane bombs,
the latest being an explosive rectal implant, ( really! They've tried
it.) Obama will once again be “leading from behind” and the TSA
is ready to “serve and protect”. Of course if this technique
becomes common place, the phrases “pat down” and “turn the other
cheek” will take on whole new meanings but sales of rubber gloves
will go way up, the price of tickets will go way down, and the flying
public will remain safe.
It gets even better. When Greece exits
the Euro zone the drachma will be reintroduced and be essentially
worthless on international exchange markets. That means even
America's unemployed will be able to afford Greek Island cruises.
And with Walmart and McDonald’s making big bucks things must be
getting better. “Don't worry; be happy.” Every doomsday has a
silver lining. Doesn't it?
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